My thoughts on Volvos and their drivers

As I have said before, Volvos are very safe vehicles. Apparently, they have a much lower rate of accidents. That is, in my opinion based on thousands of hours on the road, because their drivers never drive them fast enough to get IN an accident. Frequently, the oblivious behaviour of Volvo drivers causes accidents which drives up the accident rates of other model cars.

I have known only one Volvo driver who EVER drove at or above the speed limit and have very rarely encountered a Volvo driver who has not driven at well below the speed limit, gone through an intersection at anything but a crawl, and not been at the head of a line of traffic going well below the speed limit.

Is it the car or the driver?

This afternoon, on the way out to collect a U-Haul van, I was behind a silver Volvo station wagon (99% of Volvos on the road seem to be station wagons — more often silver).

In a 60 km zone, he was driving 40, except through the intersections where he slowed to 20. Sorry… he “sped up to” 20 after crawling out of a stop at every intersection because by the time we got to the intersections, the light was red. I finally was able to slip past him when the road widened to two lanes. Whereupon, he sped (in the right lane) up to pass all the traffic in the fast lane and skim into the lane when the right lane merged. So I KNOW that his vehicle could drive over 60.

As soon as he merged into the lane, he slowed to 40 again along the single lane with no passing allowed, and again crawled through every intersection.

Why Volvo is spending millions on automatic collision detection system is beyond me… Even if it did work, Volvo drivers would never get within 18 feet of another car in front of them to have this system kick in.

I’m glad I’m not the only person who hates Volvos and the drivers that own them.

“So why do I hate Volvo owners? Because they know damn well that if they if they ram you in your proper car, they’ll live and you’ll die. How would you act at work if you nicked a carload of office supplies, seduced the boss’s teenaged daughter and committed nine counts of aggravated fiduciary misconduct and someone else got fired for it? Now imagine how Volvo owners drive.”

I have actually heard Volvo drivers defend their driving 20 km and more below the limit by saying “I drive at that speed to be safe”. In that case, you are an idiot. Driving at 20 km below the limit doesn’t make you “safer” than other drivers. Not driving within the safe speed limit and causes other drivers to get fed up and do stupid things to get around you. That is why in Quebec and other jurisdictions, there are minimum speed limits which are usually about 10 km less than the maximum. Driving 20 km under the limit under normal road conditions is just as dangerous as driving over it.

Get over yourself and get over the mentality that the car you drive makes you a better person and therefore, a better and safer driver.

Now… don’t get me started on Subaru drivers….

Get off my porch!…

On the door of my old house, I was forced to put up the following sign.

NO DOOR-TO-DOOR!

NO UTILITY SALES OF ANY KIND!

BEFORE YOU RING MY BELL, PLEASE READ.

NEIGHBOURHOOD KIDS DOING FUNDRAISING OR COLLECTING FOR EVENTS ARE WELCOME!

OTHERWISE…. IF:

– YOU ARE SELLING ANYTHING (INCLUDING GOD)

– YOU EXPECT ME TO GIVE YOU, OR ANOTHER AGENT FOR YOUR COMPANY, MONEY AT ANY POINT DURING OR AFTER OUR CONVERSATION

– YOU WANT ME TO SIGN ANYTHING THAT WILL, NOW OR AT ANY TIME, REQUIRE ME TO GIVE, SEND, OR DONATE MONEY

– YOU REPRESENT A COMPANY WHICH WISHES TO SIGN ME UP FOR A PRODUCT, SERVICE, OR UTILITY, WHICH YOU OR AN AGENT OF THE COMPANY WILL EXPECT ME, NOW OR AT ANY TIME, TO GIVE, SEND, OR DONATE MONEY

GET OFF MY PORCH!

THANK YOU

REPRESENTATIVES FROM:

– DIRECT ENERGY ESSENTIAL HOME SERVICES

– ONTARIO ENERGY SAVINGS CORP.

– OR ANY OTHER UTILITY COMPANY

WILL BE SERVED WITH A RESTRAINING ORDER

Within a day of having moved in I knew I was going to have to put up the same sign on the door of the new house. I was having trouble finding a copy if the wording I had used before. However, I finally located it on a posting on the H2G2 site I posted on before (I am again but it has been a few years).

So the sign is going up tomorrow if I can find my printing materials. I am going to print it up on a magnetic sheet.

This morning I was awakened at 9:30 am by proselytizers ringing my bell. As I have been having problems sleeping and had taken a sleeping pill the night before, I was too groggy to go down and get it and yelled to my Mom to answer….

Mom is too polite to tell them to get lost and stood there talking to them. Meanwhile, Benjamin was making his way down stairs and I knew he was going to try and get out the door. Sure enough… he got out. I came roaring down swearing and blasphemed in a way I hope they would take note and had to run out in my nightgown (sans culottes!) and catch him. NEEDLESS to say, the busybody mother of my neighbour and isn’t even a member of the co-op but has been making a point of butting into everyone who IS a member’s business just “happened” to be standing in the walkway behind my house. I was just waiting for her to make some comment (because she has been complaining to everyone but me about Benjamin being out prowling). I was hoping she would because I am just ready to tear her a new one.

Regarding the mother of my neighbour, apparently, the busybody is actually living in her daughter’s house and the daughter, who has lived here for many years, knows the rules and has been more than happy to report other people who have had guests staying longer than they should. Odd that she should be bitching about other people not abiding by the rules, all the while breaking them herself…

I discovered this evening that there have been a number of other members who have borne the brunt of this woman’s (the mother’s) rude, nasty, and condescending remarks. She has ordered members to pick up or clean up their properties; to pick up things that they didn’t leave about; yelled at kids for playing “too loudly”, for drawing on the sidewalks with chalk, for walking on MY walkway, for playing on the lawns….

Both she and the daughter have gone into one of the member’s yards and cleaned the yard without asking and berated her for having a “messy yard”.

I mentioned before about how she took it upon herself to destroy the nest of the little red squirrel that was inside the utility box on MY property.

Since she doesn’t live here, nothing that happens in the co-op is any of her business. She doesn’t have any business interfering with anybody or anything on the property. Her daughter, even though she lives here, has no business entering anyone else’s property or commenting on their gardening skills or the condition of their yard.

I was just hoping that she would say something to me because I was going to tear her off a strip and tell her that if she bothers me one more time or butts into my business one more time I will call the police and serve her with a restraining order which will make it a little hard to visit her daughter…

Bitch.

Oh… and we are having a picnic weekend after next and non-members have to pay $2 if they want to eat. I was worried that someone would not realize that she doesn’t live here and let her eat for free (it is only $2 but dammit, the money is going to charity and… she’s a bitch). I volunteered for the administration table which hands out bracelets to members and ensures that visitors pay…. She is going to pay. That’s for DAMN sure!

Shit, shit, shit…

I have some sort of viral infection in my eye but the clinic doesn’t think it is Shingles… or at least that it is STILL Shingles. It could be Herpes Simplex or some other virus but there’s no way of telling, at this point.

More drops… more visits every second day to the Eye Institute.

They said my vision in my damaged eye was “better” than when I was there in February. However, I have a difficult time reading documents which is a pain since that is a good part of what I do. At least on the computer, I can expand the image so I can read them. The actual documents are a bit more difficult and I have to hold them right up to my face if the image is too small or the resolution is poor (and with historical documents, more often than not, the copies are REALLY bad).

Off to put the drops in, again….

Colour them turtles faster, Boy….

My friend’s nephew  in kindergarten was given a detention for not colouring his turtles in fast enough in art class.

You have to wonder if the teacher knew that the future of the free world hinged on the speed at which a 6 year-old coloured in a bunch of turtle.

It makes me think of the Harry Chapin song about the boy who colours flowers all the colours of the rainbow but a teacher has different ideas.

Flowers are Red
by Harry Chapin

The little boy went first day of school
He got some crayons and started to draw
He put colors all over the paper
For colors was what he saw
And the teacher said.. What you doin’ young man
I’m paintin’ flowers he said
She said… It’s not the time for art young man
And anyway flowers are green and red
There’s a time for everything young man
And a way it should be done
You’ve got to show concern for everyone else
For you’re not the only one

And she said…
Flowers are red young man
Green leaves are green
There’s no need to see flowers any other way
Than they way they always have been seen

But the little boy said…
There are so many colors in the rainbow
So many colors in the morning sun
So many colors in the flower and I see every one

Well the teacher said.. You’re sassy
There’s ways that things should be
And you’ll paint flowers the way they are
So repeat after me…..

And she said…
Flowers are red young man
Green leaves are green
There’s no need to see flowers any other way
Than they way they always have been seen

But the little boy said…
There are so many colors in the rainbow
So many colors in the morning sun
So many colors in the flower and I see every one

The teacher put him in a corner
She said.. It’s for your own good..
And you won’t come out ’til you get it right
And are responding like you should
Well finally he got lonely
Frightened thoughts filled his head
And he went up to the teacher
And this is what he said.. and he said

Flowers are red, green leaves are green
There’s no need to see flowers any other way
Than the way they always have been seen

Time went by like it always does
And they moved to another town
And the little boy went to another school
And this is what he found
The teacher there was smilin’
She said…Painting should be fun
And there are so many colors in a flower
So let’s use every one

But that little boy painted flowers
In neat rows of green and red
And when the teacher asked him why
This is what he said.. and he said

Flowers are red, green leaves are green
There’s no need to see flowers any other way
Than the way they always have been seen.

It puts me in mind of the time when I was in Grade 6 and we were being taught cursive writing. I was writing the words down and the Principal walked by (my home room teacher). “The cross on your Ts need to be perfectly flat. Yours are at an angle. Make them flat!”

I continued to make the crosses at a slight angle. Pretend it’s a roof. Make the roof flat so the water won’t tun off!”

He finally kept me in for recess to “practice” making the “rooves flat so the rain wouldn’t run off them”.

1) Who gives a shit it your Ts are crossed  perfectly horizontally and 2) Why would you want water building up on your roof? Even in Grade 6, I knew that you don’t want a flat roof collecting water.

If teacher spent as much time on things like spelling and grammar instead of on nonsensical things like how fast you colour turtles or if “your rooves are flat on your Ts” maybe we would have kids coming out of school who could read and write … and paint and draw well.

And before anyone gets on my case about the spelling of “rooves” we were taught in school that the plural of roof is rooves, just as the plural of hoof is hooves , the plural of dwarf is dwarves, and the plural of knife is knives… Just because everyone under the age of 30 THINKS they invented this English language, they did not.

And, I have news for you… It is a SANDWICH not a “sammich, WEDNESDAY not “Wensday” (or even “Wensdey”, and FEBRUARY not “Febuary”. Just because some asses have decided to allow lazy people to spell or pronounce the words incorrectly doesn’t make it correct.

Angry… SO ANGRY!

This evening, I went over to the unit I moved out of (50 feet away from where I am now) to make sure the garbage was all out on the curb.

I opened the gate and just about screamed.

My entire garden… Ten years of planting… Ten years of love…. was gone.

When I moved into the new unit. I had made sure that maintenance and the Move in/Move out committees knew that I wanted my garden and that it would take a little time to move them. I was assured that I had until the fall to move them as many plants need to be moved after they are done for the year… not when they are blooming. All my neighbours knew I was going to  be moving my plants and knew that I wanted them.

Apparently, the person who did it was someone from Landscaping.

When one of my neighbours (who was one of the people I had made the arrangement with to delay moving my garden went up to her and told her to stop because I wanted my plants, she daid “too bad!” and continued.

To make things even more outrageous is that this is the SECOND time someone on Landscape has taken it upon themselves to rip out or order someone to rip out my garden.

Two years ago, when they were replacing the fences, the Chair of Maintenance which is the committee responsible for the fence replacements came over and we went through the garden and we worked out what needed moving and what needed protecting. I had my nephew over and told him what to do. He was doing it when someone from Landscape came over and ordered him to tear everything out… I came home and found my garden destroyed.

I managed to salvage some of the plants and replaced what had been destroyed. The garden was almost back to it’s former glory… and now this…

Although they replaced the back and side parts of the fence two years ago, they appear to be replacing the entire fence, again, including the new parts. This may have been the impetus but there was absolutely no reason for them to just barrel in and start tearing it out.

I could see if they had contacted me and given me a deadline and I didn’t do it…. But they didn’t.

They didn’t contact Maintenance (the Chair who knows me and knows I wanted my garden). They didn’t check with my neighbours who all know I was going to be moving my garden over the next while AND where I am. AND it isn’t as though I moved out of the co-op altogether! I am 50 feet away and was home the day she took it upon herself to rip out my garden.

I fired off an email to the Board and the Landscape Committee demanding an apology and suggesting that I should be reimbursed for the plants that I can replace (the clematis cannot be replaced…). I also said that there need to be rules followed so that this never happens again.

I am so angry I don’t know if I will be able to sleep…

I still hate moving…

…and that’s a fact. Two days left to get the house cleared and we’ve still got most of the shit in my room to go, yet.

Mom’s is almost completely done, basement is done, dishwasher (still not sure WHERE to put THAT) has still to go over, as well as the things we need to keep here until Saturday morning when we “officially” move in.

I STILL don’t think we’ll get completely finished, I still have to get the taxes done before Friday when the internet, satellite, and phone get switched over there… GAHHHHHHH!

I hate moving….

…. That is all…

The one-sided conversation…

“If you wanted to sleep with me… really wanted to sleep with me, you would just do it.

You wouldn’t joke about it. You wouldn’t say “I bet you wouldn’t” or “What would you do if I asked you…”.

Just quit pretending you think I wouldn’t or that there’s something stopping you. It’s just bullshit and I am to damned old for bullshit.”

How to be an online critic.

With the recent popularity of viral video sites, “blogs”, and a vast array of online media-sharing sites, the career possibilities for online or “armchair critics” have become infinite!

Anyone with access to a computer and steely nerve can become an “online critic”.

So. With all these possibilities, how does one set themselves aside from the “wanna-bes” and rise to the top of the heap?

Following just a few of the following pointers will immediately make you a leader in the field of criticism.

The first step…

Screen name

The most important thing and the first thing an online critic needs to do is set themselves up with a “screen name”. It is important to note that most websites require anyone commenting to have an account.

The exception to this rule is “blogging” sites. Most blogging sites allow one to make comments anonymously. If you wish, you can acquire a screen name for posting your critiques here. It isn’t necessary but anonymity is a double-edged sword. Many critics use the “cloak of anonymity” to shield their identity. This allows them to cut and run which can be a powerful tool. Alas, without a screen name, you remain unknown.

You COULD choose a name which conveys the idea that you are a critic — such as “internetcriticno1” — or even that you are a critic who specializes in a particular media — “moviecriticno1“, for instance. However, to really make your mark, you need a name that sets the tone for your criticisms and lets folks know YOU MEAN BUSINESS! Here are a few suggested screen names which fit the bill:

  • asshole54564
  • fuku54233545
  • dipshitz7878787

While there may be 54563 other users named “asshole“, YOU STAND OUT!

It is always a good idea to have several accounts with such names in case you are blocked by the person whose piece you commented upon. You can continue making your point until all your profiles have been blocked.

How to criticize….

While many critics “get by” spending a long time writing long, well-crafted and educated criticisms or “reviews” and may refer to specialized knowledge gained by attending colleges or universities (called “places of higher learning”) or many years immersing themselves in “books” and studying the work of other experts all this takes time, energy, and effort (and even MONEY!). This is all needless in the fast-paced world of online criticism.

You don’t have time to waste with all this.

You can whittle down what these blow-hards have said and say it better by limiting yourself to a few words, instantly making it clear you know what you’re talking about.

Remember too, that while there may be many millions of videos or blog entries you will dislike, there may be ones you do like (usually involving tits [women’s], people falling off skateboards, people being run over by trains, anything with either heavy metal music or rap music, or animals being tortured). These may require you to make positive comments.

The negative comment

This sort of comment should be reserved for videos you hate or don’t understand or opinions either with which you disagree or which you don’t understand. Other reasons to dislike a video or blog entry are because the person who made the video is fat, wears glasses, is homosexual (or appears to be homosexual), is handicapped, or because other people like the piece you have chosen to comment upon.

And remember, if you know nothing about the topic there is no need to familiarize yourself with the subject. After all, if someone had made a video about something you know nothing about, they are obviously an asshole and need to be put in their place.

As previously noted, short, to-the-point comments are always better than spending the time and effort of writing long or well. Spelling well and using good grammar are not necessary and simply make you look like you care. In short, unnecessary.

Here are a few excellent examples of good negative comments:

  • “This suks”
  • “boaring” (alt. “boreing”)
  • “I wasted 3.28 seconds of my life watching this shit”*
  • “WTF is this shit an why it it featured”*
  • “Fuk Of and dye”
  • “Wat is this shit”

*While these are often used comments, they are tried and true and never get tired.

And, remember any comment is better than no comment so you might wish to remark on the attributes of the person who posted what you are commenting upon (see above).

  • “fag”, “gay” and/or “lesbo”
  • “UR FAT”
  • “Fuking Fat Faggot”
  • “fatt cunt”

You may also wish to make it clear that you are an expert in the topic of the piece you are commenting on.

  • “shitt art” (on a video of a well-known and well-respected artist because you know what you like and this isn’t it. After all what do people with educations know?)
  • “ive studdied bisniss in colege 4 8 year and U dont no shit”
  • “ure music suks”
  • “suk my dick”

The positive comment

  • “nise titts”
  • “Fukin A”
  • “I hope that fuker died”
  • “ur hot!”
  • “suk my dick” (Note! This can be used in both a positive or a negative critique!)

What to do when challenged on your comment

Remember, only YOUR opinions matter (or the opinions of anyone who has posted similar opinions – safety in numbers is always good. Bolstering your like-minded colleagues with comments such as “Haha” and”fukin right” is always good).

Options available when challenged on your opinion

  • repeat your comment
  • call anyone who disagrees with your opinion “Faggot” or “gay”
  • “Fuk U” (when someone calls into question your “8 year in bisniss colege)
  • Say nothing (This is for suckers)
  • “suk my dick”
  • “i hop U die”
  • “i hop u die fagot”

Welcome to the world of online criticism! Good luck!

Dammit….

All I want to do is embed a goddamn video.

I have tried the “Post to WordPress” and that doesn’t work for the video in question. I can’t download it and then upload it. Embedding using the embedding code for the video (of course) doesn’t work on WordPress because WordPress HAS to be obtuse and make it impossible to do something that any other blogging site allows you to do simply and easily. And when I check with (so-called) “Support” forums all I find is complicated “it is so easy” freaking plug-ins which they don’t bother to explain how to use.

Just let me embed a goddamn video.

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