More abandoned places

Kevin Bauman "100 Abandoned Houses"

(click on photos for links)

Henk van Rensbergen (abandoned-places.com)

(^ an odd way to post the albums but worth the effort)

©HSF (via Industrial Decay)

(^ Blog. Photos linked to the Flicr page for each photographer. Plus great links)

James D. Griffioen "east side, detroit (2008)"

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PhotoHunt: Balance (making up for last week…)

This is to balance out my error of posting this week’s challenge LAST week

Sunset on the Upper Ottawa

Amber in balance

Scarlet Swallowtail (Papilio rumanzovia), balanced on Julia's hand

and…

Blue Morpho (Morpho peleides), demonstrating Life's delicate balance

Andrew Moore, photographer

Breathtaking….

Cooper school, Detroit

National Time, Detroit

National Time, Detroit

Casino Rooftop, Asbury Park

Oak At Hammerhus

Link

Seventeen things worth knowing about your cat….

From The Oatmeal (Yes you may, az!)

Hudson River took time-lapse Flight 1549

New York City resident, David Martin, whose apartment overlooks the Hudson River took time-lapse footage of US Airways flight 1549.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about "Hudson River took time-lapse Flight 1549", posted with vodpod

PhotoHunter: (Ooops) Spotted

Yes…. I messed up. I am a week ahead. I spotted that when I went to tnchick’s blog….

I will “balance” things up, next week….

Snug as a bug....

Amber, asleep under a leopard-spotted rug.

Foxgloves....

…are spotted.

And, it wasn’t until I got home and edited my photos….

Pink-eye???...

…that I spotted someone looking back at me from this Spottted Joe Pye Weed. Can you spot him? (HA! A two-for-one! Or is that three-for-one?).

January Postcard

Ages ago, I got my January postcard through the Benevolent Postcard Society. I just haven’t had a moment to post it.

What I wouldn’t give to be that little fishie, right this minute…

Lucky Fish

PS… New(ish) blog

I sort of let this other blog slide a bit but with my mother’s diagnosis the 0ther day, I decided to revive it and move it over to WordPress.

It is called “Mother Forgets“.

It’s an outlet for some of the stuff that happens, much of it funny/frustrating when Mom forgets or gets a bit “clouded” in her logic.

PSS… I also pried the “: ;” key off my keyboard. I was sick of typing n;t instead of n’t.

Pap…

I finally found a family doctor (again…).

This one is part of a family medical centre. For a few years I have been forced to see whatever doctor is available in one of these huge medical centres where even if you have an appointment with  a certain doctor, you can wait hours. While I was seeing one particular doctor whenever I could, he wasn’t MY doctor and I was hesitant to sign on as his patient. Provincial health care rules mean that if you sign on with a particular doctor, that’s it. You are stuck for life unless they leave the practice and don’t take you with them.

My beloved family doctor retired back in 2000 and was unable to find me a doctor. I’ve been with a couple of others but they simply left the clinics they were in and the clinics didn’t seem to care what happened to their patients.

So this week, I had my first actual check-up since 2000.

I had a “check-up” a few years ago at one of the “megaloclinics”. My “appointment was for 9am and I arrived at 8:45. I didn’t get called until 2:15. My “check-up” consisted of height, weight, and an eye-test (which the “nurse” did, insisting that I tack off my glasses and look at the chart 15 feet away… Since I can barely see the palm of my hand front 3 inches away, this was pretty pointless… Since I had just had my eyes checked less than a week ago by an actual eye doctor, it was even more pointless). That was the sum total of my check-up.

THIS time, I got the full work-up, including a home colon-cancer test kit.

So, now for the Pap…

Women know the scoop. Butt at the end of the table and knees in your ears.

Doctor says “This may be a little uncomfortable, since it hasn’t been used in a while…”

I’m thinking to myself “Either she doesn’t do too many internal exams and is using a reusable speculum…”

“Ummm, you mean the speculum or my…”

“I meant your….”

I’d have doubled over if I didn’t think that might just hurt a lot….

Joy in life or lack, thereof.

This may seem like a big whine-fest. It isn’t. It’s how I feel.

I wish I could truly say that on a fairly regular basis, maybe not every day… more often than not… that I experience joy in life.

There are moments which are happy and moments when I find a true  joyful moment. I laugh. I enjoy a good joke and have a good sense of humour. I love listening to music. I love my nieces and nephews (for the most part). I like my work (for the most part). I have some friends that I love.

But experiencing joy in life… in my life… I can’t say that I have ever felt, as an adult, that I enjoy my life or that I have a life I enjoy.

For the most part, I spent a lot of it going through the motions. Part of it, I guess, is that I don’t love me.

I was sort of off the cuff calculating the other day… I spend about 40% of my thinking about killing myself and 40% of my time trying to keep myself from killing myself and the other 20% of my time just humping along.

I don’t think that’s what life is supposed to be. Do you?

I mean, I know that life isn’t a giant bowl of cherries all the time for everyone and I know that my life isn’t “horrible”. I just don’t enjoy it.

Having to look after an ageing parent with a number of health issues, of course, doesn’t make things anyone’s dream life. I have no one to share the burden with… and I don’t mean sharing the day-to-day necessities and demands… I mean that I don’t have anyone to turn to and cry on their shoulder.  I don’t have anyone to just curl up with and not talk about things. Hell, even my cat doesn’t “curl up with me”.

I have always been a solitary person. Not necessarily by choice. I didn’t have any really close friends when I was little and we moved a lot and I changed school so frequently that either I didn’t have time to make friends or didn’t keep them. I suppose all those “abandonment issues” also meant that I tended to sabotage relationships because I inevitably thought they would end, and not end well.

Even now, with a number of good friends, I tend to spend a lot of my time alone out of habit. As well, most of those friends have families and relationships which limits the time we can spend together, anyway.

In some ways, I have always found it “safer” to be alone. But it’s “alone”. That isn’t conductive for forming a healthy attitude to life.

I have gotten involved with things but often find that I am more interested in the activities or events than the others are and they gradually drift off and there I am, alone, again.

I seem to go through phases, and I don’t know what brings them on, where I feel absolutely at the depths of despair. I could blame the news of my mother’s diagnosis on Thursday. But in reality, I have been feeling crappy since before Christmas. Christmas will inevitably throw someone for a loop. Some say that it is one of the most stressful things in your life.

It could be winter doldrums. Of course, I get them in spring, summer, and fall,as well so….

In the past, being able to have a good cry always helped a bit. I wish I could. I don’t know if it is the medication I take but every time I am on the verge of what I know will be a good cry, I end up having a gigantic yawn and the feeling goes away. I actually managed to have a little bit of a cry during Star Trek NG, if you can believe it. I fell a little better as a result.

Maybe I need to sit down and re-read The Diviners by Margaret Laurence. The ending ALWAYS makes me cry and cry and cry and I fell all the better for it.

Years ago, when I was living in New York, my miscarriage was still fresh in my mind and I was watching an Oprah program about the right (and necessity) of grieving over miscarriages and still-born babies. I was just starting to finally cry and my landlady knocked at the door. When she saw me crying and found out what I was watching, she dragged me out and refused to let me watch it.

I truly wish that I had stood my ground and watched it. I probably would have finally done my grieving, which I still haven’t completely done, 16 years later.

Trouble is, there are so many ungrieved things bottled up inside that I worry that if I actually let go and le them out, I’d explode….

I guess it is one step-at-a-time and one grief at a time.

I started to look for images to express joy for this post. I came actoss this one and staring at it actually made me feel good!

Joyful Heart

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