How to be an online critic.

With the recent popularity of viral video sites, “blogs”, and a vast array of online media-sharing sites, the career possibilities for online or “armchair critics” have become infinite!

Anyone with access to a computer and steely nerve can become an “online critic”.

So. With all these possibilities, how does one set themselves aside from the “wanna-bes” and rise to the top of the heap?

Following just a few of the following pointers will immediately make you a leader in the field of criticism.

The first step…

Screen name

The most important thing and the first thing an online critic needs to do is set themselves up with a “screen name”. It is important to note that most websites require anyone commenting to have an account.

The exception to this rule is “blogging” sites. Most blogging sites allow one to make comments anonymously. If you wish, you can acquire a screen name for posting your critiques here. It isn’t necessary but anonymity is a double-edged sword. Many critics use the “cloak of anonymity” to shield their identity. This allows them to cut and run which can be a powerful tool. Alas, without a screen name, you remain unknown.

You COULD choose a name which conveys the idea that you are a critic — such as “internetcriticno1” — or even that you are a critic who specializes in a particular media — “moviecriticno1“, for instance. However, to really make your mark, you need a name that sets the tone for your criticisms and lets folks know YOU MEAN BUSINESS! Here are a few suggested screen names which fit the bill:

  • asshole54564
  • fuku54233545
  • dipshitz7878787

While there may be 54563 other users named “asshole“, YOU STAND OUT!

It is always a good idea to have several accounts with such names in case you are blocked by the person whose piece you commented upon. You can continue making your point until all your profiles have been blocked.

How to criticize….

While many critics “get by” spending a long time writing long, well-crafted and educated criticisms or “reviews” and may refer to specialized knowledge gained by attending colleges or universities (called “places of higher learning”) or many years immersing themselves in “books” and studying the work of other experts all this takes time, energy, and effort (and even MONEY!). This is all needless in the fast-paced world of online criticism.

You don’t have time to waste with all this.

You can whittle down what these blow-hards have said and say it better by limiting yourself to a few words, instantly making it clear you know what you’re talking about.

Remember too, that while there may be many millions of videos or blog entries you will dislike, there may be ones you do like (usually involving tits [women's], people falling off skateboards, people being run over by trains, anything with either heavy metal music or rap music, or animals being tortured). These may require you to make positive comments.

The negative comment

This sort of comment should be reserved for videos you hate or don’t understand or opinions either with which you disagree or which you don’t understand. Other reasons to dislike a video or blog entry are because the person who made the video is fat, wears glasses, is homosexual (or appears to be homosexual), is handicapped, or because other people like the piece you have chosen to comment upon.

And remember, if you know nothing about the topic there is no need to familiarize yourself with the subject. After all, if someone had made a video about something you know nothing about, they are obviously an asshole and need to be put in their place.

As previously noted, short, to-the-point comments are always better than spending the time and effort of writing long or well. Spelling well and using good grammar are not necessary and simply make you look like you care. In short, unnecessary.

Here are a few excellent examples of good negative comments:

  • “This suks”
  • “boaring” (alt. “boreing”)
  • “I wasted 3.28 seconds of my life watching this shit”*
  • “WTF is this shit an why it it featured”*
  • “Fuk Of and dye”
  • “Wat is this shit”

*While these are often used comments, they are tried and true and never get tired.

And, remember any comment is better than no comment so you might wish to remark on the attributes of the person who posted what you are commenting upon (see above).

  • “fag”, “gay” and/or “lesbo”
  • “UR FAT”
  • “Fuking Fat Faggot”
  • “fatt cunt”

You may also wish to make it clear that you are an expert in the topic of the piece you are commenting on.

  • “shitt art” (on a video of a well-known and well-respected artist because you know what you like and this isn’t it. After all what do people with educations know?)
  • “ive studdied bisniss in colege 4 8 year and U dont no shit”
  • “ure music suks”
  • “suk my dick”

The positive comment

  • “nise titts”
  • “Fukin A”
  • “I hope that fuker died”
  • “ur hot!”
  • “suk my dick” (Note! This can be used in both a positive or a negative critique!)

What to do when challenged on your comment

Remember, only YOUR opinions matter (or the opinions of anyone who has posted similar opinions – safety in numbers is always good. Bolstering your like-minded colleagues with comments such as “Haha” and”fukin right” is always good).

Options available when challenged on your opinion

  • repeat your comment
  • call anyone who disagrees with your opinion “Faggot” or “gay”
  • “Fuk U” (when someone calls into question your “8 year in bisniss colege)
  • Say nothing (This is for suckers)
  • “suk my dick”
  • “i hop U die”
  • “i hop u die fagot”

Welcome to the world of online criticism! Good luck!

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